To mica from mica (PROSE)

2022. Sometimes you are drowning in an indescribable emptiness. Sometimes the only thing you can do is talk to yourself. Sometimes you are just a motherless child afflicted at birth with some presentiment of loss.

Posted on Monday, 21 February 2022

every day is just “I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE I WANT ETERNAL NOTHINGNESS I WANT SILENCE AND STILLNESS AND PEACE” but also “THE BURDEN I’D LEAVE ON MY FATHER WOULD BE UNFORGIVEABLE AND THE LACK OF INTERNAL PEACE I HAVE TO ENDURE FOR HIS SAKE” but also “I LITERALLY HAVE NO JOY OR LOVE OR HOPE IN MY LIFE SO MUCH THAT I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE EACH BREATH HURTS AND EACH TIME I WAKE UP I AM DISAPPOINTED” but also “I WOULD LEAVE HIM ALONE AND HE WOULD BE IN SHAMBLES AND WOULD HE EVEN BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED WITH AN EMPTY HOUSE CLOSING IN ON HIM AND ALL OUR BELONGINGS STILL THERE” but also “I AM IN SHAMBLES EVERY SINGLE DAY AND THERE IS NO LIGHT IN MY EYES WHEN I STARE BACK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR I DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON SHE DIED SO LONG AGO” but also “THERE ARE SMALL GLIMMERS OF LIFE THAT I EXPERIENCE WHEN I PAUSE AND BREATHE WHEN I TASTE AND LISTEN AND TOUCH” but also “THEY ARE SNATCHED HORRIFICALLY FROM ME ONLY MOMENTS LATER AND I CANNOT BEAR THIS ETERNAL GIVE AND TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE” and also “MY LIFE IS A JOKE OF ITSELF I AM MILES AWAY FROM WHERE I WANTED TO BE I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO WHO I ONCE WAS” and also “I WEIGH THE WORTHWHILE OF THE PEOPLE WAITING FOR ME BEYOND WITH THE PEOPLE STILL HERE DAILY AND I FIND THE BEYOND TO BE MORE FULFILLING MORE AND MORE EACH DAY” and “I HAVE NO MORE DREAMS TO DREAM THEY HAVE ALL COME AND GONE THERE IS NO SELF TO REINVENT THERE IS NO LIFE WORTH CHANGING” and yet “I HAVE TO ENDURE FOR HIS SAKE” and yet “I AM NOT ONLY A FAILURE BUT A SHADOW STRETCHING THROUGH THIS HOUSE” hope this helps

Sometimes you learn how to love yourself after cycles of self-hatred.

Sometimes you find new meaning in your life. Because despite everything, it’s still you.